Hello, 2021!

It may seem strange that I am welcoming the new year in the middle of March but it has taken me this long to really settle into the new year. We had a rocky start to January when my mom and brother both tested positive for Covid-19 after we had seen them with Scout’s birthday. Just as we were heading for their 14 day quarantine to end Wesley fell ill, was admitted into hospital and, subsequently, underwent lung surgery! It was not Covid related but it shook my world. I was confronted with two of my biggest fears of 2020 – having a close loved one test positive for Covid-19 (and the worry of how that would pan out) and then with my husband’s mortality, a really sobering reality to be faced with. I was tested physically and mentally as I tried to care for Scout while going through a really difficult time. But I am happy to share that Wesley has since recovered, that I am in a happier space and that we have learnt from our early 2021 experiences in that we have found ways to better manage our day to day lives so that Wesley and I can both find time to take better care of ourselves. This has very little to do with blogging but I’ve shared it to account for my chosen absence from the online world. I knew that I had to put my family’s needs first if I was to find any space to get back to what I love doing again so this post is a real personal triumph for me and I am happy to be sharing it with you. 

So yes, hello 2021! I say that without any illusion that this year will be any less challenging than the previous was as we are still living through a global pandemic, though I believe that we are now better equipped and have learnt to manage our expectations through some of the continued uncertainty. What I am able to acknowledge is my renewed strength and optimism for the future because I have learnt to put more trust in God who has shown me so much grace and favour. I feel that lived experiences have helped me to better cope with the limitations we all face; perhaps accepting that there are things that I cannot change, like wearing a mask and needing to socially distance, even from the people I love, has helped me stop wanting to control everything. Letting go has helped me to take courage and to grow in areas that are not limited by this virus, like expanding my knowledge through studying and spending quality time with my immediate family. I still see the beauty in life and I have a renewed hope for what the future holds. And that means that I can see the purpose in writing again (just writing that made me smile) and that has encouraged me to start again. 

So what do I have envisioned for 2021? My vision board says that I want to remain calm despite trying circumstances, read lots of books, spend more time with family, learn a new skill/ area of expertise, eat good food and decorate my home. While those are wonderful goals for the year I think that my biggest vision is living a full life, one that is free of the shackles of anxiety and doubt that has held me back for so long! I started seeing a therapist in December of 2020 and taking care of my mental health has been the best decision I’ve made in a really long time. As much as my friends and family support and listen to me I got to a point where I knew that if I did not get help, that the Bronwyn all of you have come to know (and hopefully love) would slowly start disappearing. I suffered under the weight of motherhood through this pandemic but I can confidently say that it was motherhood and the love I have for my daughter that encouraged me to seek help. I have a long way to go and many layers to work through but I can tell you that there are moments (and they are increasing in frequency) where I find myself at peace or really happy. What’s more precious is that those moments are not accompanied by the dread that they will be taken away because I am slowly learning that my God, a God of love, wants them for me. In the past my joy would be clouded by me feeling that I did not deserve it, that it was too good to be true. At one of our sessions my therapist said something that helped me to make a very important shift: she said that I have a very vivid imagination, which often leads to (me) overthinking things and (because of my brain’s negative bias) anticipating the worst in most situations which, in turn, causes me to fear anything that I cannot control. But she also said that it’s that very imagination that allows me to write, create, problem solve, (deal with Scout’s food allergies!) and find my purpose in the world. Her words challenged me to try to appreciate the beauty inside of me, too because all I was experiencing was pain. I bet if you scrolled through my Instagram account you would not expect that I was suffering in this way and that my mind would be the biggest hurdle to my potential! But I am grateful for this turning point and to a pregnant friend who shared the fact that she was seeing a therapist because it gave me the courage to acknowledge that I needed to see one, too. I am no longer trudging through work, motherhood and life but making active and conscious decisions about how to enjoy it all. 

Apart from my personal experiences I have noticed a change in the online world and have wondered, at times, where I fit in all of it and whether there is a space for me in it. Let’s face it, the youth are taking over; Tik Tok, Instagram reels and short spurts of information is the way forward. And here I am, nearly thirty two years of age and writing posts with more words than a lengthy group chat about Meghan and Harry’s interview! Did we all watch that, by the way? But yes, I’ve doubted my place in the online world, not only because I’ve grown and shifted my focus in the last year, evident by the scores of ‘unfollows’ I’ve been getting of late, but because I don’t want to keep up with the latest trends or ‘cool’ things to do. I also struggle with the fact that an online life encourages some level of consumerism as we continue to view parts of other people’s lives. What’s worse is the voice that echoes, ‘Who cares?’ each time I write a post or caption. Which begs the question: why continue? Well, because I don’t really need permission to, do I? I remain passionate about writing and that alone should be a reason to go on. And if my truly encouraging and supportive readers want to continue to be a part of my journey, I am really happy to have them along! But I know that I need to commit, fully, and do away with these stop-starts because they are a breeding ground for doubt! I believe that my purpose online is evolving and that somewhere between hair, motherhood and these bouts of honesty my intention to enlighten and uplift will come to life. 

Anyway, I really wanted to share where my head’s been at in the last few months and, more importantly, to share a testimony of healing as well as my intentions for this space going forward. A post and experience at a time, that’s how I’d like to approach it all. 

What has the start of 2021 been like for you? And have you found encouragement and inspiration for what lies ahead? Leave a comment as I’d like to read your experiences. 

Until my next post,

Bronny