Time to Heal

I tried writing countless posts to share bits about the not so lekker space I’ve been in and failed miserably at each attempt; I don’t think there are words to describe the emotions that one goes through in a period of growth. In this time I’ve really seen how my mind and body holds onto negative experiences; I carry stress and anxiety in my muscles and am often unable to stop the chain of negative thoughts that cloud my mind. It is the time of year when fatigue often sets in and you realise that what you would have managed well at any other time just feels like too much to bear. I like the world bear, not only because it suggests that the struggle is far more than a physical load carried but because it recognises one’s ability to endure (and that implies having strength and courage,too). It has taken the approach of a break/ holiday to help shift my focus and I decided that I would not tell you the details of my woes, because I am sure that 2020 has left you with a fair share of your own burdens, and that I’d rather share my process of healing with you instead.

I have called my process one of healing because I am working at letting go of both physical and emotional pain. 

Physically, my body is stiff and achy. The chronic back pain I suffer from has worsened because I have been eating foods that contain gluten. I suffer from gluten sensitivity/ intolerance and it affects me in various ways, pain and inflammation being the worst of my symptoms. I’ve been here before, where my symptoms are compounded and they amount to me feeling physically ill, which in turn affects my emotional well-being. Why eat the gluten, then, you may ask? Well, because Scout’s egg allergy has not allowed me to eat the gluten-free food items I would usually have as eggs are often the binding agent in gluten-free processed foods. I have also had severe chest pains, joint pain and stomach cramps in this time which has left me quite miserable and cranky. 

Adding to my emotional distress was a really long school term and needing to meet deadlines when my capacity for them was at an all-time low. I don’t know if I am the only mom who feels this way but I have struggled with meeting the demands of both my profession and motherhood in a way that allows me to maintain my sanity; self care has flown out of the window and my alone time is only had when I am able to rise before my family does. Yes, I have written positively about being an early riser in the past, and I still share those sentiments, but I’d be lying if I said that, of late, it came at the cost of much-needed sleep. 

Focusing on the emotional aspect of my pain, lockdown has opened my eyes to the reality of my relationships; I have realised that so many of them were one sided and I’ve have had to become okay with distancing myself from the spaces that no longer serve me. It’s a positive thing to do but I have felt deep sadness at the fact that I am not only invisible to many people I care deeply about but that many of those relationships survived because of convenience; many of my ‘friends’ have not even realised that it has been a good few months since we have spoken because I’ve stopped calling or texting. Anyway, it has left me with more time to focus on the people who make me feel happy and it has freed me of a lot of the social obligations and the anxiety I often feel when with larger groups of people. And then there is the death of my father-in-law earlier this year as well as the shift of motherhood that has made me realise just how precious (and short) life is. At thirty one years of age I have decided to live as intentionally as I possibly can; I would hate to look back on my life one day and realise that I had wasted my time worrying about silly, meaningless things or that I had not been present enough through the different and beautiful phases of my life. 

I have chosen a path of healing to live a fuller, richer life and have decided to share some of my practices with you. 

Healing through Yoga and walking. 

I’ve accepted the fact that as much as my mind enjoys high impact, sweat-breaking workouts, that my body (and back) is not (and has never been) happy with the intensity. I’ve started doing yoga in the morning and have replaced my 2-3 times a week runs with walking. In as little as a week I have created space in my hips and back and already feel that I have more range of movement; my legs have also stopped aching as much when I walk around at work. I had not realised how my wanting to look good was causing me to feel bad. I am hopeful that with the correct eating habits and continued practice that I will find a new type of fitness and strength. 

Healing while eating. 

I should not be eating gluten. Cutting it out of my diet is the best thing for me to do. As a family, we do our best to eat whole, unprocessed foods; raising a baby and the demands of our jobs makes it a little difficult to follow through towards the end of the week but Wes and I do well on most days. When I eat my fruit, drink my water and cook food with healthy proteins, fats and vegetables, I sleep better and have more energy during the day. More energy allows me to do more which helps me to feel productive and whole. 

Healing through rest. 

I struggle to sit still and do nothing. I’ve noticed yoga poses that ask me to do nothing but be still frustrate me the most, an indication that rest is an unnatural experience for me. I won’t lie, the ‘work hard and achieve your dreams or end up sleeping on yourself’ narratives sometimes get the better of me. I have learnt, though, that resting is good for both the body and the mind and it allows for a better experience of life. Part of my resting is limiting screen time as my brain also needs to shut off from what everyone else is doing; I believe that less screen time has also helped me listen to my own thoughts which has allowed me to feel really connected with myself, something I’d been craving for a while. The sleep/wake function on my iphone alarm has helped me to stay away from my phone as the screen is darkened and ready for the next morning’s alarm from 8:30pm at night. 

Healing through quality time.

Nothing is more important than the time I spend with my family. NOTHING. Realising that has been freeing. I am at peace with the decisions I make that protect our happiness and have learnt to share my choices simply and honestly; my friends have respected me for it and I no longer feel guilt when setting my boundaries. 

Healing through prayer. 

I have saved this one for last because it is the most important one to me; I tried doing it all in my own strength and it is only when I reopened my bible and acknowledged that He is in control that I was able to let go of the fear and live with His joy and in the light of His blessings. As a reader you may not be a person of faith, and I respect that; I am, however, sharing my truth with you. If you have any experience with God or spirituality you may understand it when I share that carrying it all crippled me and that I needed to unburden myself. God has shown himself to me in so many ways this year that I feel foolish to have doubted His plan for my life. Being a Christian does not mean that I will live free of trials but I live in the knowledge that he is my comforter and strength. 

Sometimes I wish that I was not so human about the way I handle things but I am hoping that some of these affirmations and practices will help restore my physical and mental health so that I can continue to live a rich, happy and full life. I’d like to end this post with a mention of my husband who has taken on so much of our home and child responsibilities to give me a chance to find my peace and my voice again. He continues to be an encouraging and supportive partner and I don’t give him half of the credit he deserves for looking after us and for modelling the self actualisation and happiness we all say we want to have in our lives. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this post, Please share what helps you heal in the comments section. 

Until my next post, 

Bronny