I cannot tell you how many times I tried to write this post and how many prior versions exist. Not only am I rusty when it comes to writing, I am finding it really difficult to adequately express what I am feeling and experiencing in this new season as a mom of two. The overwhelming feeling is one of gratitude but it is accompanied by exhaustion; the shift from one child to two has been tougher than adjusting as a first time mom for me. What I had tried to write before was either too perfect or too messy so I decided to write it all as if I was talking to my mom – no pretences, just pure honesty. With that in mind, if you asked me to sum up what it has been like I’d tell you the following:
I am bolder, stronger and more resilient than I could ever have imagined myself to be; motherhood has brought me to my knees and seen me rise time and time again. I often wonder what I did with my time before I became a mom because the amount of things I am able to fit into the same amount of hours is actually quite insane. I feel like a very tired superwoman.
I am growing as an individual and as a mom. I am learning to be more patient and to surrender to the things I cannot control quicker these days. Doing this has brought me a lot of peace and I am happier for it.
Noa is an easy, pleasant baby who smiles and coos all day. She seldom cries and has fit into our lives almost seamlessly. It is true that your heart expands when you have a second baby and I struggle to find the words to express how blessed we are to have her.
Scout has had a tough time adjusting to the many changes in the last few months. She’s developed a really strong sense of self (which I love!) but it means that there’s a lot of pushback and, because her emotions are bigger than her vocabulary will allow her to explain, she cries easily and quite often. We are working really hard at being gentle and loving but I will admit that there are times when I need to talk myself down from irritation and frustration. Despite this, she is growing and maturing beautifully. I look at her and wonder when her limbs got so long, when her feet stopped being tiny, when she learnt to say the funny things she says and when her face and smile grew to be as they are now. She is willful and very decisive and I cannot help but see a lot of myself in her (bless my mom and all the adults who helped to raise me because gosh! Scout and I are a delight and a handful at the same time). I pray often that God will help me to raise her strong personality with wisdom and care because she deserves to shine as she is.
I feel divided on most days and feel that I seldom meet the needs of both of my girls on the same day, which is why I appreciate my husband so much. We tag team daily and we can both see to both girls when it is needed. But it didn’t just happen – we have had to communicate and have tough conversations about our personal needs and areas where we feel we need support to get to the place we are at; and the conversation keeps changing as the girls grow and enter new phases in their development.
Being a working mom brings me a lot of joy (because I love being creative and productive) but it also limits my time and capacity and the person who ends up losing out on some days is me. I like to do things well and can be a little hard on myself at times. I’m really good at my job and I’m a really good mom but I’m seldom both on the same day; I am learning to have grace for myself around these feelings. Working to find a good rhythm has made me very aware of how much I am able to take on and I have had to communicate at work and at home to help me feel that I am doing a good job in both areas of my life. I am learning to prioritise, to say no when it is needed and to be mindful of my wellbeing while seeing to the needs of others.
I don’t carry too much mom guilt but when it hits it’s tough for me to shake.
I am tired. My body needs lots of rest and my mind is full of things to remember and do. As a result, I keep dropping the ball, which is unusual for me, but I have had many moms share similar experiences (and also make really funny jokes about preggy/ mom brain – which is a real thing!)and so I have learnt to laugh at myself in those moments as opposed to wanting to have it all together all of the time.
If I had to choose, I’d choose being a mom every single time. And if you asked me if the challenges are worth it I would say absolutely! Becoming a mom has made me really look at myself and begin to work on the things that were just not sitting lekker in my life. I have walked away from toxic relationships and have begun to really love myself while facing and working on my shortcomings so that I can be better for my girls. They are my joy. They fill our home with laughter, chaos and love. God knew exactly what he was doing when he chose them for us and he has drawn me closer to him through them (but that is a post for another day!).
If you have made it to the end of the post, thank you for reading! I appreciate you so much. And I would like to hear from you so please share your experiences with me as well! Women and moms can do so much more in a community so please allow me to be part of yours too.
Until my next post,
Bronny xx