Worthy (Hello, 2023!)

It has officially been 18 months (and a few days) since my last blog post. That is a really long time but before I get into the reason for the hiatus, I would like to officially wish you a Happy New Year! And to ask you an important question: How are you really doing? I’d like to encourage you to sit with that for a moment or two and allow yourself to feel and acknowledge all that you are and know that it is okay to be in that space. 

2022 was an interesting year for me in that it saw me achieve many goals and dreams but it also presented many challenges as there were many curveballs and unexpected changes that my family and I needed to navigate. What became very clear to me very early on was that I needed to focus on myself, my physical and mental health and my family; that meant taking a step back from the online world. I experienced a lot of pain in the last year and needed to truly give myself a chance to work through it and heal from current and past experiences. What I needed to accept was that despite the hardships faced, I was worthy of happiness, joy and love. But that realisation did not come easy and was a result of a lot of hard personal work that I needed to do on my own – and that needed time. So allow me to share what has brought me back to blogging and what my intentions are going forward. 

I went to therapy. 

At the end of 2020 I hit an emotional lowpoint. I remember it vividly: I was sitting with my colleagues and told them about a photograph that I had of myself and Scout (my daughter) from earlier that year and I was truly happy in it; and I no longer felt that way. It was the most vulnerable I had been and I then made the decision then to see a counsellor. She helped me work through what was probably a mix of postpartum depression and anxiety that I’d been struggling with for years. I saw her a few times and then continued with life, contacting her when I felt it necessary. But there was still this really dark cloud hanging over me so at the end of 2021 I asked her to hold me accountable as I committed to seeing her every month. 

It was gruelling and tough. As we built trust, I became more willing to go to the places I had been avoiding for many years. More importantly, I became ready to face myself: my failures, shortcomings, the part I had played in broken relationships, my fears, my anger, my disappointments and my brokenness. In time I was also able to see my strengths, my resilience, my hope, my hard work, my needs, my boundaries and what brings me joy. The journey through living with depression and anxiety is ongoing but I finally have the tools to maintain a healthy relationship with myself and others even when I find myself in the throes of it all. 

This journey was personal and necessary and I could not do it while trying to make myself available to others. I needed solitude, to just be with myself, hence the step away from blogging. 

My relationships changed. 

I lost friendships that meant a lot to me and developed deeper connections in others. Change isn’t easy but there are opportunities for growth and change in it. I am still working through things in this area but I can say that I have gotten to a place where I am grateful for the impact that each person has had on my life. I’ve learnt not to force relationships and have seen my worth in truly reciprocated relationships. I hope to continue to grow and show others how important they are to me in the years to come. 

I changed jobs. 

In 2020 I knew that I no longer wanted to be a mainstream school teacher. I did a few short courses to gear up for a different path and proudly started a new career in 2022. It did not come easy as I worked two jobs in 2021, which paved the way for the career move. My current work is very fulfilling but also demanding in terms of responsibility. I spent all of last year giving myself a chance to learn, grow and find my feet. It was worth it; sometimes you need to immerse yourself in things in order to do them well. Even though I was exhausted and emotionally drained at the end of the year, I can say with confidence that I am proud of the work I did and look forward to having a more balanced, productive life in 2023. 

We travelled. 

In 2022 we were blessed to take Scout on her first international holiday to Spain. It was a wonderful experience; my child is made for European summers! If you have been following my journey for a long time you will know that Scout has multiple food allergies; despite the fact, we were able to have an incident-free holiday. It was a blessing to be present for my brother-in-law’s wedding and it was special to have Scout meet her cousins, who live in the UK. 

Financially, the trip was a sacrifice and in some ways a strain, especially when we had to re-book our flights at the last minute, losing thousands of rands in the process. Saving comes with sacrifice and spending wisely takes discipline so I kept my head down in the months leading up to the trip to meet our goals and make the most of the experience we’d planned. 

We became pregnant. 

I announced towards the end of 2022 that we are expecting our second baby. We are overjoyed with this blessing and cannot wait for Scout to have a sibling. My second pregnancy has been easier in terms of my health but gosh! It is challenging growing a life while raising a curious and busy toddler (I am sure that many moms can relate to this!). I’ve been conscious about being present with Scout as being a family of three will come to an end at some point; we are not sad at the fact but do value this time while anticipating that things will soon change. I keep saying that it is going to be wild! But I know that it is going to enrich our lives in so many ways. 

Looking ahead. 

I have shared some really sacred things in this post for the following reason: I wanted you to know what I’ve journeyed through so that you can understand the shifts and where this space is heading. I was very uncertain about returning to this blog and made a promise to myself that I would do so on one condition: that what I write would be authentic and meaningful. The online world has changed drastically over the last few years and what used to be a space of sharing has also become a place of many silences. Witnessing online trolling, shaming and bullying made me question whether I wanted to open myself up to that. My return blogging is based on my love for writing but my main aim is to share experiences that I hope will encourage and uplift women. So that’s my goal, to write and share what brings me peace, joy and balance in hopes that it will encourage my readers to seek their own. 

If you have made it to the end of this post, thank you for reading! Please know that your readership is appreciated and that you, too, are worthy of all that is good. I would like to encourage you to consider what will serve you in 2023 and to lean into those things. Don’t be afraid to face what is tough, if you need to, because at the end of that road there is a path that is filled with the promise of hope. 

Be blessed and have a meaningful 2023!

Until my next post, 

Bronny 

Ps. Posts will be shorter going forward!