How New Years Eve really went

We were home for New Years Eve, as I’m sure many of you were; I think that being home would have been the plan regardless of Covid-19 and our  current level 3 lockdown status as being out with a baby in the evening is difficult. Scout has a night time routine and the more we disrupt it, the less independent sleep we get in the long run. I’m not rigid about it all but I do prefer to be home by a certain time and to spend quiet time with her as she winds down to sleep. As for NYE 2020, Wes suggested that we have a formal dinner; he made a peppermint fridge tart the night before and I made a creamy seafood pasta. We are still living with his mom as our home is not ready for occupation, so she joined us for wine and our meal. We dressed to the nines and had an early dinner. 
After our meal I stepped outside with Wes and told him that I felt incredibly sad. It had been a really tough year and I couldn’t bring myself to be cliche or optimistic as I found myself being really anxious about the unknown. How long would we need to isolate ourselves in the new year to be safe? Will the number of positive Covid-19 cases still be as high as they are by the time I go back to work? How often will I be or put my family at risk? Are we next to have a loved one test positive? How many more stories of lost lives and livelihoods will we still hear in the days to come? All this uncertainty overwhelmed me and for these and many more reasons I could not celebrate the closing of what had been a really challenging year because nobody can say that the year ahead will be any less worrisome. Of course one’s mindset and attitude plays a part in how things affect you but in the moment I refused to quiet my fears and allowed myself to acknowledge them as we continue to move forward with uncertainty.
I heard the many voices telling me that God’s Grace has covered me and I need not fear; I know that God is around me every single day but I struggle to feel him at times. I miss church and the fellowship of other Christians. I’ve felt very lonely in my faith these last few months and have struggled to connect with the word through online church. My prayer life has suffered, too. I’m not ashamed to say these things as admitting them means that I know where I need to grow and pray but it also shows that I am really just human and that I really do need God’s strength in this difficult time. 
At one point in the evening I walked to the room and sat on the bed. While I sat I felt an overwhelming weight over my shoulders as I realised how difficult it was raising a child with the added fear of a virus. I remembered realising and having to deal with her multiple food allergies, something that still impacts my life on a daily basis as we are forced to read labels and tell others what they may not eat around her. I realised how lonely I was in my struggles with mental health and how I stopped being a support and light for many of my loved ones who needed it because I just had nothing left. I felt each of my and Wesley’s disagreements and I felt really sad for him as he has had to face a serious challenge of working from home with a baby constantly in his space. He looks exhausted and he needs a break and I, broken myself, find it difficult to offer it to him. I felt the loss of my father in law who would have spoilt Scout to no end. I felt the cancellation of Scout’s birthday party and the possibility of not seeing my mom on the day when Scout turns one in an attempt to keep us all safe from what has become a deadly virus while many of our friends continue to lose parents and family members to it. I felt all these things and so much more and couldn’t begin to imagine the loss, stress and burdens that others, who are in really tough situations, are having to face. I felt helpless and hopeless and that’s the plain truth. 
I can tell you that I feel better since New Year’s Eve and I have realised that I cannot allow fear and anxiety to run my life. I appreciate the beauty of life and I know deep down that it’s best to live while we are alive. Yes, our lives look different and that means that we sometimes miss the time with friends and family and the ability to make plans that involve our moving about. I’ve remained goal oriented; I studied last year and have registered for a new course for 2021. I’m trying to focus on what I can control but I wrote this post to remind myself and others that it’s okay to feel the weight of things. It’s also okay to admit that you’re not always coping with the drastic changes we’ve all experienced. We’ve been dealt so many curve balls and I’ve struggled, at times, to adapt. 
Anyway, I hope that you find your positivity for 2021 and that you’re kind to yourself in moments when you feel frustrated or down at life during a pandemic. I also want to remind you to hold on to your joy when you feel it; I’ve had to learn to be present in those moments. 
I pray for your families, for my family and for our health in 2021. 
Take care and stay safe. Bronny 

3 Comments

  1. Kay-Lynn
    January 5, 2021 / 6:23 pm

  2. Tracy V
    January 6, 2021 / 6:03 pm

    I feel the same with so many of the things you’ve mentioned in your post. Especially the church part. I too yearn to just be at church singing my heart out with others around me and truly absorbing Gods word. It’s challenging with a baby and toddler. I thought I was the only one that felt too the pressure of what does 2021 bring, the fears of losing my own parents and what else will this virus do to my life. Thank you for this post.

  3. Vanda
    January 7, 2021 / 7:26 am

    Happy New Year B. My comfort lies in the word of God. Psalm 91. God our Protector….Thank you for sharing a part of your life with us. Stay safe and keep on praying 🙏♥️

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