At the end of 2018 I felt very accomplished, that it had been a productive and fruitful year but I also knew, without a doubt, that 2019 had to be different. To mark this change I started the year quietly and under the radar (technically, I was asleep when everyone rang in the new year) and I woke up the next morning feeling that it was the best decision I could have made.
I’ve been reading so many positive and meaningful posts about people’s goals for 2019, some based on valuable lessons learnt over the last years. The one that stood out the most for me was about envisioning the future that you want. This is different to setting a goal as you spend time ‘seeing’ yourself in the state/ position you’d like to achieve. It sounds like such a simple thing to do but I find that, in general, people seem afraid to see or want more for themselves because of fear that our dreams are too big or that what we want is not meant for us. My biggest fear is having exactly what I want because life has taught me that there are things that are temporary, too. I thought long and hard about this and thought that I’d share some of my visions with you.
1. I envision myself being calm.
If you know me, personally, you will know that I can be a real ball of stress. I maintain a sense of calm as long as things go the way I plan them to because I like predictability. Curve balls knock me off my game and the little ones have the most impact, things like time, unexpected traffic, no tomatoes at the store, my favourite hair product being out of stock in the surrounding area, etc. I hope that you’re having a slight giggle at those examples but they have an overwhelming affect on my sense of calm. In 2019 I want to learn how to allow for little niggles, if I may call them that, without an increase in blood pressure. Dramatic, I know, but my heart silently races at these things. This will be a healthy add-on to the fact that I learnt to worry less in 2018.
My vision: me thinking, ‘Oh well, that’s a shame and that’s okay. The next plan will have to do.’ All of this is said, calmly.
2. I envision being guilt-free.
I would like to think that I am not a people pleaser but I struggle to be okay with saying no because of the incredible amount of guilt and anxiety I feel when I do. Yes, I often feel guilty for choosing myself or what I want. I don’t like letting people down even though I know that many of those people do not feel an ounce of anything when doing the same to me. Over the years, some reactions has built the fear of being rejected afterwards; the guilt is an initial response to deal with a possible retaliation from an individual at a later stage. Such harsh words but many hurt experiences.
My vision: choosing what I believe is right for me, walking away feeling pleased that the best decision was made and no longer pondering on the moment.
3. More time with myself.
Note that I didn’t use the word for- I used the word with, meaning ‘accompanied by’ myself. I feel that this is what I didn’t focus on last year and is one of the pivotal things that needs to change if 2019 is to be different for me. My biggest loss in 2018 was my quiet time and I only saw the effects of it when I went on holiday in December. My own thoughts troubled me and I was loathe to spend time with another individual at the sacrifice of quiet time. I was also really worried that I’d carry my angst into the new year and have it cloud my hope at regenerating my life, positively.
My vision: being wherever with myself and my thoughts; they do not need to be good or bad, they just need to be my own.
4. More time blogging.
I’ve reminded myself that writing is my strength and my passion. As much as video content and photographs on Instagram attract attention to my message I need to keep writing about my hair and about my moments of reflection as it brings me a sense of fulfillment. I hope that you all are ready to embark on a journey with me where I try to be a little less guarded about the things I share.
My vision: writing so many posts that it will, someday, publish a book! Honestly, it’s a dream of mine to be a published author- it’s a very personal vision that I have so I’m trusting you, reader, with it.
If you’ve made it to the end of this post then I hope that you are not too disappointed that I haven’t shared my elaborate plans to build a bigger closet, grow my hair longer or study further (no flow of ideas here, whatsoever). I feel that the things I’d love to have can only be enjoyed if I’m focused on being whole. The material, for me, needs to piggy back on my emotional and mental health so that I can make good decisions and work towards them in a meaningful way for them to bring lasting satisfaction and not momentary joy.
What do you envision for yourself in 2019? I want to take a moment to wish you joy and prosperity in the year to come and I hope that you spend time building on the things that you can take with you throughout your life.
Happy new year,